


numbers they are new, but it's all the same (running from yourself, it will never change)

by VolxdoSioda



Series: Crowe Altius Week 2019 (Complete) [4]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Gen, No Kingsglaive Traitors verse, Soft feelings, indications of ptsd and the like, pre-ship Crowe/Luna
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 13:28:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18621568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VolxdoSioda/pseuds/VolxdoSioda
Summary: For all that they accuse her of, she's never been a dreamer. If anything, she's more of a realist than the boys are. But that doesn't stop her from shooting for the best things in life, for chasing the spark she might never catch.Crowe deals with the ugliness of politics, and then falls deeper into the rabbit hole.





	numbers they are new, but it's all the same (running from yourself, it will never change)

Growing up an orphan teaches you a few things about life.

It teaches you not to ask for more than you are given, and to be damned grateful if you get anything at all. It teaches you never to look above your station, or try to rise higher than where life has put you, because you are there for a reason. That you are expendable, you are forgetable, and above all else, life will not be kind or fair to you simply because you want it to be. Life is not a fairytale, and it gives you no happy ending because you have had the shit kicked out of you from an early age.

Being in the Kingsglaive, Crowe learned years later, taught you the exact opposite.

You follow your orders, but you ask questions, always. You look above and beyond yourself. You raise yourself higher. You want a happy ending? Seek it. You want a home you can return to every day, a place to lay your worries down for a time and simply breathe? Fight for it. Scream and fight and claw your way to a better life, because that is all you can do in this rat race, and your brothers in arms will do similar. Fight for them, and they will fight for you. Protect what you have viciously, and do not apologize for what you are. For hearth and home. For the people you love.

The men in the council room are Regis' finest. His wisest. They too, know the lessons on both ends of the line, and that is why, for now, Crowe respects them.  It is also why she respects King Regis and Lord Clarus and Marshall Leonis and Captain Drautos. Because they know both sides of the story, and they keep the balance. 

There are men and women here however, who  _ do not  _ know that balance. And right now, Crowe's fingers are itching to bleed these people and their stupidity.

"Can't Prince Noctis take the Ring?"

"The Ring is only meant to be passed down upon the death of the King or Queen proper," Madame Laelia, one of the older members of Regis' Council, says calmly, not reacting to the demanding tone at all. "More to the point, His Highness is working hard at recovering right now. He does not have the strength to maintain the Wall and himself at the same time."

"So what about after?" That's Lena Verres, one of the younger men that thinks he's hot shit. Crowe punched him once, when he cat-called her on the streets, drunk and stupid. She doubts he remembers her.  "He's got access to the Crystal, doesn't he? So let the Crystal heal him--"

"The Crystal is already doing that," Laelia interrupts. Behind her spectacles, her grey eyes flash with annoyance. "It does not start or stop on a whim. But more to the point, His Highness has duties beyond that of healing. He cannot take the Ring, so kindly stop suggesting it."

Lena's lips curl, but before he can speak, Regis interrupts.

"This is not up for debate. My son will not take the Ring, not until I myself am dead and gone. We are here to discuss the terms as set forth by Niflheim before their ill attempts at takeover once again. Most of them no longer apply, but there are a few we must see either struck from the record or rectified before the day is done. Kindly focus on  _ that,  _ and not on my son."

That puts an end to the bellyaching, at least for the moment. 

"If I may," Lunafreya speaks in the quiet, and all eyes turn to her. "My most present concern is the peace marriage between myself and Prince Noctis. What is your say on this, King Regis?"

Regis hums low in his throat. "Truth be told my dear, even were it not a suggestion of Aldercapt's, it would still be a decent idea. However, the choice remains between you and Noctis. I shan't speak on one side nor the other until you two sit down and speak of it yourselves. I won't have either one of you trapped in an unhappy marriage, not so long as you have options."

Lunafreya nods. "Then, when we  have a moment, I will speak with him."

"Of course."

Harpax Gavros, another older member of Regis’ council,  clears his throat. "With all due respect Your Majesty, I would ask for ideas concerning the security of our borders and the Wall itself. Would the Glaive possibly be willing to open itself for additional candidates?”

Lunafreya leans towards Crowe as the King beings to speak. "I thought you could put in an application for a position with the Kingsglaive anytime?"

Crowe makes sure her voice is low, and leans back. "You technically can. But the training process and the physical demands to make it and remain in the Kingsglaive are brutal - a lot more than most people can take, unless they’ve got something to prove. It’s the same for the Crownsguard, but the Kingsglaive are more specialized. Crownsguard are kind of area-wide.”

Luna makes an understanding noise.

“But more to the point, he’s not really asking us to consider letting more people in. It’s not a barred process. He’s asking us to lower our standards. Set the bar a little lower in training, let people who aren’t quite able to keep up with our schedule in.” Her mouth twists downward. “It’s a slippery slope, that’s for sure.”

“Dangerous,” Luna murmurs. “Not just for whoever gets in, but for you all as well.”

Crowe nods, and turns her attention back to the King and her Captain. 

“It’s not just a matter of security,” Harpax is saying. “Overall, even with the Crownsguard numbers being up in recent years, the Kingsglaive is still the main heavy hitter on the field, and without the numbers, any attack on Insomnia is going to hurt. We’ve already lost outside territories through Mors - we finally have an opportunity to turn the tide.”

“We are not going to  _ fight, _ ” Regis says. “But you must also understand where Titus comes from when he says it is an impossibility to pull numbers where numbers are not found.”

Gavros sighs, leaning back. He scans the room, and his eyes land on Crowe. Instinctively, she straightens, puts her shoulders back a bit more, tightens her stance. 

“Glaive,” Harpax says, and Luna looks from Crowe up to him and back. “Tell me something - why are you here?”

“With all due respect sir, you’ll have to be a little more specific. Here in this room? Here in Insomnia?”

“In Insomnia,” Harpax says. “What caused you to come out from your home and here to Insomnia, and become part of the unit you are now?”

Gods, it’s been ages since she thought of it. Still, she remembers it, clear as day. “Because someone told me I would have my chance to fight for a better life, rather than being made to simply accept what they felt I deserved.”

Harpax blinks, frowns. “That… was not the answer I was expecting. So you didn’t come in pursuit of glory? Of honor?”

Crowe scoffs. She turns her head to soften it, but it doesn’t help much. Beside her, Luna coughs delicately into her hand to hide a smile. 

“Again sir,” Crowe says. “With all due respect? That’s bullshit. I come from an orphanage on the edge of the Lucian border - to us, we didn’t see glory or honor in those guards. We saw fighting and violence and some coming back, and others not. I didn’t come into this with any mixed expectations.”

“So why then, if such is the case, do you stand here? Why not remain a guard on the outskirts?”

“On that, I didn’t have a choice. I’m too magically talented to remain that far out.”

“Oh?”

“Crowe Altius,” Captain Drautos says. “Head of one of my mage units, and one of my most powerful. She was the agent I assigned to ensure Lady Lunafreya’s safe arrival to Insomnia.”

“Aah,” Harpax says, leaning back. “I remember now. You were the mage-killer they assigned to teach the Prince during his brief time among the Kingsglaive. Well then, I shall approach this from a different angle. Tell me, Crowe Altius. As one who has dealt with His Highness, who has interacted and lived with the Glaive for most of her life, and has  _ not  _ come seeking honor or glory, if you were given the choice to put His Highness back on the front lines in defense of our home once he heals, would you do so?”

Crowe doesn’t need to look at Drautos to know he’s staring at her with the  _ don’t you dare answer that  _ eyes. “I cannot answer that, sir.”

“And why not?”

“Because sir, that is outside my jurisdiction. All decisions regarding the Kingsglaive--”

“Fall to Captain Drautos, yes, yes, I know!” Harpax flaps his hands, and then jabs a finger at Drautos. “You, stop glaring. I’m asking her opinion, not for standing orders. Crowe Altius, based on what you know at current times.  _ Your opinion,  _ if it should come to it. Would His Highness stand on the front lines and survive, or no?”

Crowe rolls the thought around carefully, picking out the answer that would not necessarily satisfy everyone in the room, but one that would answer the unspoken question.

_ Can Prince Noctis be used to hold back the enemy until we are secure? _

She takes a breath. “Yes, sir. If asked to do it, Prince Noctis would agree. And if told the reasoning, he would throw himself into the battle headfirst without hesitation. He would twist and break himself to see all of us survive just one more day. He would fight and claw for victories to ensure Insomnia remains untouched. But he would also be a liability, sir.”

“A liability?” Harpax asks, genuinely confused. Even Regis looks a little surprised by that. Drautos is no longer glaring, and is instead nuding her.  _ Go on,  _ he says with a look.  _ Tell them what you see. _

“He feels stronger than most people I’ve met. He cares deeply about people and places, and when he cares he sets his sights on goals that are not always attainable. He pushes himself harder, strives to do more, even at the cost of his own health and sanity. You saw an example with King Regis.”

Murmurs around the room. Regis’ frown is deepening. Clarus looks uncomfortable.

“He is an excellent Prince, and on the battlefield, I have no doubt we would be in good hands, and he would be lethal. But he would only be lethal until something happened - one of us dies, or the enemy gets in a lucky hit. Something that changes the tide. And then he would blame himself, and start to become a liability. He would ignore orders, or perhaps speak back against them. Pick fights that don’t need picking. Charge ahead and try to do things on his own. Against machines or daemons, the fight would be entirely one-sided. But against people? That’s a different matter entirely.”

Harpax hums, looking thoughtful. “And that is what you believe, based on what you know of the Prince?”

“That is what I  _ know,  _ based on my experience of  _ Noctis,  _ sir.”

The right thing to say, she knows. Drautos nods, and Regis looks a little less upset. Then again, he probably knows she’s right - he just doesn’t want to admit it. And nothing Crowe said is a lie. Noctis is a good kid, and he’ll be one hell of a King as soon as the nerves stop eating him alive. But he has flaws, like anyone else, and his main one is he cares too deeply. 

Harpax at last sighs, and leans back in his chair. “Very well. Thank you, Crowe Altius. Your insight has been valuable in this debate. I suppose we’ll simply have to keep looking for solutions.”

“Perhaps--”

All eyes turn to Luna as she speaks, Crowe’s included. She looks uncertain, but she still looks at the  King and speaks. “Perhaps I can help here. The guards of Tenebrae still serve my family, for all that the Empire has taken the place of guard there now. I know I caused trouble showing up so unexpectedly, so perhaps I can see if I can have them brought and placed into your service for a time. There aren’t many, but maybe they can be of some help?”

It’s not a bad idea. The guards of Tenebrae stand as a kind of middle ground between the Kingsglaive and the Crownsguard. They aren’t specialized by any means, but they’re strong, and they’ve stood guard over those grounds for generations. Regis is evidently thinking similar.

“That would be a blessing, if it can be wrangled. And if it can’t, we still have other options available to us. Thank you for the assistance, Lady Lunafreya.”

“Of course. It’s the least I can do for the trouble I’ve caused.”

“No trouble, my dear. No trouble.”

The discussions start to wind down shortly afterwards, and it isn’t long before they’re halted for the day. It’s clear Regis has a lot on his mind, and his council are in an equal bind. Without additional support, they could be in danger of Aldercapt finally deciding to attack. The Wall can only hold back so much. The Crystal takes too much from its rulers, and Regis has held out against a lot over the years. If this winds up being their final victory beneath his rule, it wouldn't surprise Crowe one bit.

“Hey.”

Crowe looks up, drawn out of her thoughts as Luna touches her shoulder. 

“Um,” the Oracle starts, and then stops, appears to lose her gut, shakes her head, and regains it. She takes a deep breath. “Would you like to go see the aquarium with me?”

“...Insomnia has an aquarium?”

 

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

 

Insomnia, it turns out, has an aquarium.

It’s a big one too, a lot bigger than she expects, with tunnels that run into and out of the ocean beneath them. So perhaps not an aquarium so much as a spot to watch fish and sharks come and go. There aren’t many people here today, so Luna all but drags Crowe up to one of the closer viewing seats. 

It’s peaceful, more so than Crowe expects. And they didn’t get stopped once on their journey here, which is also more than she expected. The reflections of the blue water echo around them, the room dimly lit, with only the light inside the glass to show what they’re seeing. Fish of all colors and shapes swim by, and occasionally something bigger ghosts through. Crowe listens to the waves lap against the tank, to the quiet hum of an air conditioner in the background, and just… breathes.

Luna doesn’t ask whether she’ll be okay or not. And Crowe appreciates that, really. Because while most of her is coming down off the rush of the  _ what if,  _ something in her is still shaking apart inside, threatening to spill out messily onto the floor.

“Noctis will get better.”

“Mm.”

“And I don’t think the Empire will try anything. It’s too soon.”

“Mm.”

“King Regis will think of something, I’m sure.”

“Mm.”

With girls in the past, this is where they’ve looked at Crowe and gone  _ are you listening to me?  _ In those snide, snarling tones that belie the beginnings of anger. That how dare she not answer in complete sentences. How dare she zone out, for even a moment.

Luna though? Just looks at her and smiles. “We’ll get through this,” she says, and in her words Crowe finds a power. There’s something to her words that makes Crowe want to believe them. Believe that somehow or another, things will turn out alright. That Insomnia isn’t about to be invaded, their last stronghold, their last  _ home  _ ripped apart at the seams for the Empire to take. 

She doesn’t realize she’s shaking until Luna says, “Forgive me,” and reaches out to take Crowe’s hand in her own. And Crowe focuses on  _ that  _ instead of the urge to shake, hones in on the fact that despite how soft she looks, how much finery she wears, her hands are calloused like they’ve gripped weapons, like they’ve fought for something. 

Something in her breast wiggles loose, and slides its way to her mouth. Her filter fails to catch it in time. “Don’t let go.”

Luna only tightens her grip. It doesn’t hurt, but it’s  _ there,  _ solid and grounding and  _ real.  _ She can breathe for a moment, just stay here in this dark aquarium with the Princess of Tenebrae and Oracle by her side, and force herself to remember how to breathe.

“It will be alright, Crowe,” Luna whispers to her, and scoots close, until their hips bump, until Crowe can feel the delicate warmth by her side, and the thing in her trembles, shakes, reaches out for Luna. 

Like a moth being drawn to a flame. Inescapable. Unopposable. Unstoppable.

“I won’t let them take our home away. Not this time. Never again. I promise, vow it, on my pride as Oracle.”

Temple to temple, shoulder to shoulder, her sister in arms and yet a million miles above her, Crowe and Luna sit as one in the darkened recesses of Insomnia’s aquarium, and shake.


End file.
